Caveat: On Managing Risk

So today was a hard day. It started with heavy rain, which perhaps annoyed Art because he'd ideated going fishing again. When the rain cleared in the afternoon, we took a walk down to the bridge (which we're trying to do everyday).

But then he insisted on going out this afternoon to try to finish the survey project that was what he'd been working on when he hurt his head in May. I happily went with him, figuring that it needed to be done. I'd try to make sure it went safely. Mostly tromping through the brush, climbing steep slopes strewn with ancient slash... that kind of thing.

We managed it. We measured between the waterline and the road, and we got the half way point flagged, so Richard can know where to put the new driveway through. I suppose during this "surveying project" I felt some apprehension, or anxiety - after all, this is where he'd fallen before. And the trail is pretty damn precarious, even for me, with my somewhat more agile body. Lots of slippery logs, holes through rotting material, broken branches sticking.

We get out of the trail up at the road, and I felt relieved. I said, as some offhand remark, "Well, now you've retraced your steps."

Just as offhandedly, Arthur said, "Oh, well, I already went down there myself the other day."

I felt suddenly sick to my stomach. And on the verge of tears, swallowed down because there would be no point in such an emotional outburst, would there? No doubt, he'd done his little walk during one of those times when I was unloading the trailer and he'd said he was going to take a walk on the road.

I guess, now, I feel really pissed off.

Why am I even bothering to try to keep track of him? He's going to do what he wants, anyway. I'm not going to monitor him 24/7.

And I've got these concerns, moving forward. He's made a commitment to tell me when he's going to do something risky. But his risk assessment ability is so clearly broken.

I know he's been contemplating taking the chainsaw and clearing brush in anticipation of Richard coming some day soon. I've said, several times, that I'll happily help him... but how can I prevent him from deciding to do it on his own? Or any other of the many dangerous things he might choose to undertake on his own... Do I need to hide or disable the chainsaw? I don't want to treat him like a child. An obstreperous child.

Some pictures follow - mostly of the path he'd cleared before the accident, that we measured along, today. They're in order from the road (top of hill) to water (bottom of hill). You can see the little pink flags he tied - most of those flags were tied already - he'd done them before his accident. Or who knows - maybe he stumbled around, bloody and brain damaged, and completed his project after his injury.

A lonesome blueberry.

[daily log: walking, 5km]

Comments

[Juli]

I remember this feeling all to well. And really pissed off is how you should feel. And I'm not sure 'his risk assessment is clearly broken." I think part of him just wants to show the world, and you in particular, that he can do these things. Of course, you can't threaten him "I can't do this, you've asked me to be here so you can safely life here but you break your promises to me. I'm going to leave, I can't take it." And he would say--"fine, leave, I can do this myself."

I feel you need to sit down and talk to him. We know his responses are slow, but he will process what you say. You need to let him know how much you see this as a breach of trust, even more than a danger to him. He made a deal with you and he has broken it. the deal was not that he would let you know for the first day or two what he was doing.

Try to give him an example. He would clearly be pissed off if you went into town without telling him, or if you took the boat out without letting him know. If you are going to live together you deserve the courtesy of knowing what he is doing--especially since, even though he doesn't believe it, his ability to determine what is safe or not is not fully working yet.

You can tell him that you felt this was a slap in the face. Did he even consider how you would have felt if he had fallen and injured himself while he was out there without you? You wouldn't have know where to look, you would have felt it was your fault. Does he really want you to be that miserable?

I'll write more late, or give me a call. I love you. Take care.

[Juli]

On second thought, let him go. It is not worth the stress to you, and really, there is nothing you can do. Ask him what he wants you to do if he does injure himself badly again, because you want it to be clear.